Sheen Sheen the Winning Machine

In the late seventies, one of my favorite underdog television shows was The Gong Show produced by Chuck Barris with special guest "Gene Gene the Dancing Machine." I would imitate Gene's chug-a-chug dance step and never tired of amusing my niece and nephew with my impersonation. The Gong Show was a belly laugh for me and listening to Gene's signature dancing music after all these years put me in a happy place. The Gong Show judges were well-known comics of the decade who provided unscripted comedic chaos and combined with Barris' zany antics and the amateur talent contestants, you were presented with thirty minutes of sheer silliness.


I, along with the rest of the world, have been following Charlie Sheen's vulgar rantings on television, while reading about his court appearances, hospitalizations, and cocaine-fueled porn star-attending hotel trashing escapades in magazines, newspapers, and Hollywood blogs. In the beginning it was mildly entertaining. Not ha-ha-ha entertaining like watching The Gong Show, but scary entertaining like watching a flying trapeze artist perform without a net. What is happening to Sheen Sheen the "Winning" Machine is not really funny at all.

As if his media circus was not enough, he has invited us inside his "winning" world via his webcast, Sheen's Korner. After watching Episode 1 of Sheen's Korner, I was no longer entertained by any definition of the word - just bored to tears with his repetitive dialogue of winning, trolls, epic, gnarls gnarlington, tiger blood, goddesses, and more winning, winning, winning.  To make sure we got it, Charlie stated, "I'm not bi-polar, I'm bi-winning." For 50 minutes, I watched absolutely nothing happen except Charlie drinking a liquid out of a child's plastic Sippy cup, minutes later breaking into a profuse sweat that required mopping his face with a rag. Twenty-eight minutes into the video, Charlie hides behind a picture, takes off his hat, opens his desk drawer and bends over it face down, and after a long audible snort, pops back up with an exuberant, "Okay, we're back."

I had to pass on Episode 2 because I was still reeling from the stupidity of Episode 1. Five minutes into Episode 3, after viewing an unkempt Charlie who is unable to sit still for one second, his hair standing on end while he stutters about trolls and his "odyssey of epic, epic proportion," I conclude my research. I offer nothing more than my own unprofessional, unsolicited, personal opinion on Charlie's condition - it is highly likely that massive quantities of illegal substances exist in Charlie's skewed world and combined with the massive quantities that he has already consumed in his lifetime, they are taking a toll on his sanity. His erratic behavior is reminiscent of Hunter S. Thompson during Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but his webcast production of Sheen's Korner bears no resemblance to Thompson's brilliant Gonzo journalism.


I will never watch another episode of Sheen's Korner. It is disturbing to watch someone expose their fragile state on video, and I sincerely hope Charlie gets the professional help that he desperately needs. I don't like to poke fun at someone whose sanity is crumbling like a wedge of Stilton Bleu Cheese on a buffet table, but Joan Rivers made a clever comparison on E! Fashion Police when she commented on the dress that Heidi Klum wore to the Oscars. "This dress is busier than Charlie Sheen's liver."